This is neither a poem, short story, or critical/informative/or analytical essay on either. Nor is it erotic, except that for me, it is what makes erotica that much more of a deeply powerful medium. I guess you could call it an essay or manifesto or personal narrative or give it any of a number of other labels, but I prefer to refrain from limiting it by categorization. It is simply a collection of words, strung together, to express, in some small, inadequate way, my appreciation of life, how I see the act of living, and how I hope to spend each moment in this world. It's also some seriously hippie-ass sounding shit, but so what and so be it. I really haven''t the faintest idea of how to describe this to you, so I will quit attempting to do so, and let it stand on its own.
Contemplations On The Art Of Living Life
I see too much, feel too much, love too much. Because of this, my heart breaks a million times a day, because the beauty in this world has the capacity to not only open my heart but to close it, to not only heal me but to wound me to the core, even as I revel in that beauty. Everyday, I fall in love all over again with the infinity of beauty, love, and kindnesss I find in this thing we call life, in spite of the equally overwhelming amount of ugliness, cruelty, and hate we find in it as well. Every moment holds for me the possibility of that overwhelming emotion we call joy - in its most pure, magical, transforming, and awe-inspiring manner. I feel sorry for those who do not see the world as I do, who do seek out and find infinite opportunites for wonder and amazement in life, who are blind to the flowers that grow from the cracks in the pavement, who cannot open themselves up enough to allow humanity's capacity for generousity and kindness to outweigh our seemingly endless capacity for hurt and hatred. I may be continuously disappointed in my fellow man and the construct we've created called society, but I am continuously in awe of the myriad of facets of love and splendor and beauty and wisdom in them as well. I hurt all the time because my eyes are fully open not only to the ugliness of life, but to its unparalelled charm, allure, exquisiteness, and excellence and the fascination that both hold for me. I will never be able to say I'm an ice queen, even though in my weaker moments I may yearn for that jaded, closed, hard kind of strength, as I'm sure it would make the act of living in this world easier. However, I know easier is not better and that I am lucky to be able to love every aspect of the time I have on this plane of existence, that my capacity to see and feel and love so fully, richly, and entirely is a blessing, no matter what pain and heartbreak it carries with it. Yes, the cruelty and inhumanity and hatred and hurt of the worst of mankind outrages and disgusts me, but knowing that the possibility of the opposite of this is present in each and every one of us keeps me from myself succumbing to lure of the very things by which I am outraged and disgusted. We are, each of us, capable as members of the human race, of everything that the best and the worst of us is capable of. I am no better than the worst of us nor no worse than the best of us. In knowing this, it allows me to forgive and to let go, to let the horror that has been inflicted upon me and those I cherish be an opportunity to grow, learn, evolve, and flourish in the face of adversity. When I am able to recognize and accept and honor and embrace this, the monstrosities I've been privy to as I've travelled through life cease to hold me in their grip, lose their power over me, fade to but a memory which I can choose to either let continue to cause me suffering or transform it into an opportunity for awakening. I choose the latter. I will not let this world grind me down. I will always attempt to see each moment as precious and unique and as an opportunity for total and complete bliss. I refuse to close myself off to the infinity of experiences available to me as a human being. I will always see and feel and love too much - as fully and completely as I'm capable of, for even when the beauty of the world wounds me to the core, it is still beauty, and its power and importance and enormity know no bounds.
copyright 2011 Katherine Andrews